


Heaven and Hell

by uv_duv



Series: Hell's Heart [6]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Dream Sex, Dreams vs. Reality, Love/Hate, M/M, Mind Games, Nonreality, Reality Break, Road Trips, Sincerity, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:40:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uv_duv/pseuds/uv_duv
Summary: ***I should have made this a chaptered work but it's too late now. Read the other parts first, there's a ton of necessary context.***Nandor does everything in his power to earn Guillermo’s forgiveness after their intense fight in the woods. Guillermo does not approve of his methods.“Guillermo!” Nandor yelled from the other side of the Cracker Barrel, “Do you want this lantern?!” holding up a red camping lantern. Guillermo pointedly ignored him. “Hey Guillermo! Do you want this wolf shirt?!” Nandor held up a huge t-shirt above his head with three wolves howling at a large full moon. Guillermo shook his head. “What do you think about it for me?!” Nandor asked again with absolutely no volume control.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Series: Hell's Heart [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845076
Comments: 12
Kudos: 56





	Heaven and Hell

_ GUILLERMO?  _

_ … _

_ GUILLEEERRRMO? _

_ Oh my God. _

_ HEY! DON'T DO THAT. _

_ Then get out of my fucking head.  _

_ I'M NOT IN YOUR HEAD. I AM CALLING YOU THROUGH THE ETHER. ARE YOU INSIDE SOMEONE'S HOME JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE TELEPHONING THEM?  _

_ Jesus Christ… _

_ COME ON. _

_ So this is how you can hear me? _

_...YES.  _

_ To be perfectly clear, this is how you've known that I've been attracted to you for the past ten plus years? That's correct? Specifically, from hearing me scream your name in my private sex dreams that, again, I assumed were private? My sex dreams that you have apparently been spying on for years, no doubt by creeping into my room and touching me without my permission? All of which you've been lying to me about for, again, eleven years? _

_ I WAS NOT LYING TO YOU, I JUST DIDN’T TELL YOU.  _

_ That’s still dishonest! You should have told me from the beginning. Or cut the connection.  _

_ LET ME BRANDISH MY PSYCHIC SHEARS. THAT IS A SARCASM, IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT. AND BESIDES, HOW EXACTLY WOULD YOU BRING IT UP? ‘HI YOUNGER GUILLERMO, I CAN HEAR YOU SCREAMING MY NAME IN TOTAL SEXUAL ECSTASY, STOP DOING THAT?’ HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD HAVE GONE OVER?  _

_ I don’t know! But it shouldn’t have fucking gone like this. _

_ PUT YOURSELF IN MY BOOTS. YOU ARE LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE, HAVING A LOVELY NIGHT, OUT ON THE HUNT WITH FRIENDS, WHEN SUDDEN-- _

_ Hnnnng Nandorrr…  _

_ WHAT ARE YOU-- _

_ Oh fuck Nandor… Mm… your thick cock feels so good inside of me... ah, ah, please harder, harder aghh… Nandor... _

_...YOU ARE MESSING WITH ME I ASSUME. _

_ Oh, ohhh… Nandor… oh shit, fuck fuck fuck Nan--Nandor!  _

_ YES GOOD ONE, GUILLERMO. HIGHLY ACCURATE.  _

_ Please don't stop Nandor, please, please, oh fuck please don't stop…! _

_ … _

_ Guillermo was laying on the edge of Nandor's coffin, his white dress shirt splayed open. He threw his head back, his brows knitted with intense pleasure, filthy words cascading out of his mouth and crowding the room. He was glistening with sweat, completely unravelling. Hands stroked his chest and gripped his hips to thrust with a steadily building rhythm. The cock inside of him was so big, made him feel so full and stretched and was hitting that ball of nerves just right… Guillermo worked himself with one hand, the other a claw tensely gripping the coffin. He was so close, so close to cumming.  _

_ Guillermo wrapped his legs around Laszlo and screamed Nandor's name as loud as he could, just as he was about to--. _

\----- __

_ WHAT IN THE EVERDYING FUCK, GUILLERMO! YOU CAN BE REALLY MEAN.  _

_ How's it feel? _

_...I DON'T LIKE IT.  _

_ Interesting. I'd note that. Now stop touching me and fuck off. _

_ \----- _

When Guillermo woke up, all four vampires were perched on the edge of the other bed, already fully dressed and looking at him expectantly, like an interview panel for Hot Topic.

“Give him a moment,” Nandor said to the other three vampires with a placating hand as Guillermo groaned, slowly making his way to the bathroom. He splashed his face with water and looked in the mirror blearily.  _ Jesus, I look like shit... _ Dark undereye circles, stubble, and his scabbed lips and neck certainly painted a despairing picture. Bruises started to bloom under the puncture marks too. He lifted up his sleep shirt and was confronted by a frightening number of Nandor’s bites and scratches along with itchy welts from insect bites.  _ I’ll… deal with that later…  _

Every breath he took felt labored, he was so tired and sore. He rolled his shoulders and stretched his neck before he returned to the room with ponderous steps. Settling on the opposite bed, he took a deep breath and propped his elbows on his thighs, his shoulders slumping. Guillermo regarded all of them from half-closed eyes, his mouth a thin, unimpressed line.

“What is this?” he asked bluntly.

Nadja spoke. “It is an apology, Guillermo.” 

His eyebrows lifted up in genuine surprise at her words.  _ Alright, then…  _ He was still prepared for it to be half-assed. 

“I will mediate. Nandor, perhaps you could start,” Nadja continued, looking back at Nandor.

“It really should be both me and Laszlo,” Nandor offered Laszlo his hand. The gesture prickled Guillermo.

Laszlo took it. “Can’t disagree there.”

Laszlo and Nandor both got on their knees on the carpet in front of Guillermo, who now felt incredibly uncomfortable.  _ Does… does Nandor think I actually want to fuck Laszlo…? _ Guillermo would sooner crawl out of his own skin and drench himself in bleach.

Laszlo spoke in his booming theater voice, gesturing with his hands as he said, “Guill-ER-mo de la Cruz! It is clear to all of us that both Nandor and I have gravely offended you, to a degree that mere words would not ameliorate, so it only stands to reason that we both make it up to you with actions.”

Laszlo placed a hand on Guillermo’s knee, followed by Nandor placing both of his hands on the other. Nandor squeezed lightly, grinning wolfishly up at Guillermo, saying, “Yes,” with an eager nod.

Guillermo’s brain careened off of a cognitive cliff and burst into flames. He didn’t move, couldn’t move. 

“...What?”

“Don’t worry, you won’t need to do anything, little chap,” Laszlo crooned, “We’ll do all of the work.”

Nandor continued, rubbing circles on Guillermo’s knee, “I know you might feel hesitant or perhaps questioning the entire situation, but all you need to know is that we will be going to Louisiana. Past that will be a surprise.”

Guillermo’s brain finished rebooting. He blinked and snapped his legs shut, dislodging their hands.  _ Louisiana? What’s in…? _ He wondered in horror if “going to Louisiana” was an outdated euphemism.  _ Abso-fucking-lutely not. What would that even mean...?  _ And he didn’t want any sexual surprises from Nandor ever again.

Laszlo patted his knee. “I assure you, it will be worth your while. Trust us.” Guillermo couldn’t think of two people that he trusted less.

“You seem confused, Guillermo. What’s not clear?” Colin Robinson asked in his typical taunt, his mouth curled in a crooked smile.

“Um…” he looked to Nadja, “So, are you also okay with us, uh... going to Louisiana?” he tried to ask as casually as possible.

“Yes of course,” she seemed surprised he even asked, “It has been a long time for me, I confess, but ultimately it will be good I think,” she nodded her head.

Guillermo squinted at her.  _ I’m just… going to assume they’re being literal... _

“I guess as long as we all agree then…” Guillermo said slowly, his eyes scanning all of them, still not entirely sure what he was agreeing to.

In the van, Nandor patted the seat next to him in the back. Guillermo didn't look at him as he let Colin Robinson sit between them. 

\-----

“Cracker Barrel?! Ha! I hardly knew ‘er!”

Laszlo and Nandor both laughed heartily at Nadja’s joke.

They had crossed into Mississippi and pulled off of the highway for gas when Nadja had apparently spotted some store called Cracker Barrel. Guillermo couldn’t see her reflection from the backseat but could perfectly picture her goofy self-satisfied smile. He sighed, remembering her howls and jeers when he was being puppeted the night before and that she had wanted to betray him too.

Nandor read out loud, “‘Old country store’… Guillermo, is it a market for wares from the old country?”

“Guess so,” Guillermo said in a dark monotone. The last few hours had consisted of him dissecting the exhausting gauntlet of the previous night, not registering anything that the vampires had been chattering about or any of the endless expanse of brightly lit American strip malls, eerie rest areas, and blighted small towns that they had passed in the night. Called back from his thoughts, he was struggling not to scratch his bug bites under his turtleneck and could now see that there was a drug store in the same strip mall as the Cracker Barrel. Laszlo parked across two spaces diagonally. Guillermo started for the drug store without looking back when Nadja called after him.

“Wait wait, Guillermo! Prettiest please, could you have the doorman invite us in? Thank you.” Pleasantly surprised by Nadja’s politeness, Guillermo decided to indulge them. He looked at his faint reflection in the windows of the fake old-timey wooden door, tugging the cowl of his multi-colored turtleneck up higher before he walked in. Guillermo was immediately taken aback by the bizarre collection of American kitsch that filled the store from floor to ceiling in an overwhelming and chaotic attempt to match the aesthetic of old western saloons and the tastes of tacky white people.  _ What... the fu-- _ The cashier asked if she could help him.

“Oh, um, yes. I know you guys close soon, but could we all come in please?”

“Sure sweetheart, y'all are welcome in,” she said easily. The cashier’s eyes widened when she saw the three vampires with their capes and jeans.

“They’re uh… Shakespeare actors?” Guillermo tried to justify. It didn’t work.

Nandor immediately appeared next to Guillermo and asked him if he wanted a tin bird with American flag pants. And then a large basket in the shape of a pineapple. And then a large wooden sculpture of a horse head.

After a chorus of sharp “no’s” Guillermo finally rubbed the bridge of his nose and said, “Nandor, please leave me alone.” Nandor still trailed after him from a distance, so Guillermo gravitated to a terrifying display of enormous wall mounted crucifixes, successfully warding off Nandor. He could also hear Nadja admiring jewelry and Laszlo offering to hypnotize the shopkeep for anything her dark heart desired. 

“Guillermo!” Nandor yelled from the other side of the store, “Do you want this lantern?!” holding up a red camping lantern. Guillermo pointedly ignored him, turning back to really scrutinize the crucifix that happened to be closest to him. “Hey Guillermo! Do you want this wolf shirt?!” Nandor held up a huge t-shirt above his head with three wolves howling at a large full moon. Guillermo shook his head. “What do you think about it for me?!” Nandor asked again with absolutely no volume control. The cashier looked at Guillermo with pleading eyes.

Sighing in frustration, Guillermo walked over to Nandor. “I don’t care if you get the shirt. You need to stop yelling,” he insisted tersely.

“Now that you are near me I don’t need to yell,” he said simply, with a small smile.  _ So that was your play?  _ Guillermo rolled his eyes and was going to tear into him when Nandor perked up and tapped his arm, saying, “Oh, look at what Colin Robinson has!” Nandor grabbed a white cowboy hat from that display and held it out to Guillermo. 

“You want a cool hat? I'll get you this cool hat. You can be a little cowman,” Nandor’s dopey smile, showing a little too much of his fangs, was unfortunately adorable.  _ Ugh.  _ Guillermo averted his gaze.

“It’s cowboy, and no thank you.”

"You are a powerful cowman, that would be a highly disrespectful form of address," Nandor insisted, putting the hat on Guillermo's head for him, making sure it was even.

Colin Robinson strolled over to them wearing his own brown cowboy hat and gave a black one to Nandor. “Guys, why don’t we snap some fire pics of ourselves as cowfolks?” Nandor was thrilled at the idea. Guillermo clenched his jaw.  _ What if we fucking didn’t? _

“Hey Nadja, Laszlo!” Colin Robinson also yelled very loudly, “Grab some hats and giddy-on-up over here, partners!” swinging his arm in the air as if he had a lasso. Guillermo’s guts were boiling with second-hand embarrassment. Nadja and Laszlo joined them and picked out matching black hats.

Colin Robinson press-ganged an old man into taking their pictures, putting his arm around Guillermo. “Smile, buddy,” Colin Robinson said under his breath. Guillermo smiled like he had “fuck you” written on his teeth. “Okay great, now switch with me.” Guillermo’s wide smile faltered as Nandor’s arm snaked around him. He picked up his arm by the fabric of his sleeve and moved it off of him like it was a wet piece of trash. There was a tiny whine from Nandor and his hand reappeared on Guillermo’s shoulder.  _ Fucking watch it. _

Colin Robinson made them all take an endless number of pictures of minutely different configurations. 

“There’s height order of course, then alphabetical order, and birthday order… Oh and then couples on either end with me in the middle of ‘em. I am the crucial fifth wheel of this apparatus, after all,” Colin Robinson cackled to himself as he subtly body-checked Guillermo even closer to Nandor.

“The little Mexican fella and the uh… tall gentleman…?” the old man asked cautiously. 

“No,” Guillermo said quickly, distancing himself from Nandor, Guillermo’s hand hovering above Nandor’s shoulder rather than touch him, “We’re just fr--it’s not like that.” He couldn’t even bring himself to say “friends”. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Nandor looked beyond devastated as the old man shrugged and snapped the picture.

“Thank you again so much sir, there’s just one more,” Colin Robinson shuttled Guillermo in front of Nandor and reminded Nandor of the movie with the big sinking ship that they saw in the late 90's.  _ Oh fuck no.  _ Guillermo put his hands up and said, “You know what, I think we’re good actually! Thank you so much sir,” hurriedly taking the hat off, but the old man smiled and asked if they were sure, it really wasn’t a bother. Colin Robinson insisted, putting the hat back on Guillermo with a crooked smile. Guillermo decided to just get it over with rather than start a scene in a fucking Cracker Barrel. He sighed in resignation as Nandor’s arms wrapped around him, struggling to ignore how it ignited the itching sensation of his bug bites, trying even harder not to think about the disaster that Nandor was responsible for on his flesh underneath his turtleneck just the night before. Guillermo held out his sore arms for the pose with a thousand-yard stare. After the phone clicked, Colin Robinson said, "Okay you two cuddlebugs, let's have a cute one now, hm?"

Just as the phone clicked again, Guillermo’s face was barely restrained feral rage as Nandor kissed his cheek. He almost slapped him then and there but the old man handed Colin Robinson his phone and said his goodbyes. Guillermo flexed his hands and took several short breaths, Nandor looking at him with concern.

“Please, please fuck off,” Guillermo hissed darkly at Nandor. He softened despite himself at Nandor’s sad frown, the way Nandor had whimpered, “I thought it was cute..." and gripped his cape in his hands.

“I just…” Guillermo looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath, feeling the texture of his trousers under his palms, “I really, really need some space right now, okay?”

Nandor nodded and said, “Okay. I will try to give that to you.”

“Alright. Good.” Guillermo walked away and Nandor finally didn’t follow or yell after him.

Guillermo found a reasonably tasteful crucifix necklace that he paid for. Standing in front of a mirror, he put it on, slipping it under his turtleneck with a pat. When Guillermo turned around, Nandor was there, his eyes full of hope, holding up a dark blue blanket with constellations of gold stars. It was so fucking cute.  _ God… damn it... _ No force in the universe could keep Guillermo from smiling a little. 

\-----

_ GUILLERMO… GUILLERMO IT'S ME AGAIN. _

_ No shit, Nandor. Why can't you just leave me alone?  _

_ AGAIN WITH THE FORGETTING. DO YOU THINK THAT THEY CALLED ME NANDOR, THAT GUY THAT QUITS ALL OF THE TIME? _

_ I would call you Nandor the Insufferable. Or Nandor the Suffocating.  _

_ SICK BURNS. BUT I SAW YOU SMILE AT THE CRACKED BARREL. THAT IS GOOD, NO? _

_ Sigh… It’s a drop in the ocean, Nandor. You really fucked up. I don’t know what lies you’re telling yourself about that night--  _

_ HOW COULD I LIE TO MYSELF? THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.  _

_ You managed to lie to yourself about your feelings for me for ten years.  _

_ …I CARE ABOUT YOU A LOT, GUILLERMO.  _

_ Why did you try to kill me in the woods then?  _

_ I WAS NOT KILLING YOU. YOU WERE BEING ANNOYING AND UNFAIR. AND THEN I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY. _

_ Then fucking say that next time! Don't… don't ever do what you did again. It was not "a little". You fucked up big time. _

_ YOU LIKED IT. I KNOW YOU DID. YOU'VE DREAMED THOSE DREAMS FOR YEARS. THE WAY YOU SCREAMED “MASTER”--  _

_ Shut up. Just shut the fuck up... Dreaming about something and actually fucking living it aren't the same thing. I was terrified, Nandor. I had no idea what was happening or what you intended and you certainly didn’t ask me. _

_ A WEEK EARLIER, YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO KILL ME IN MY OWN CRYPT. YOU SHOW UP COVERED IN BLOOD RIGHT AFTER BEAUTIFULLY SLAUGHTERING A VAMPIRE THEATER... LEST YOU FORGET, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT PINNED ME TO MY OWN COFFIN AND HELD A STAKE TO MY OWN CHEST. YOU WERE THE ONE THAT KISSED ME AND THEN PINNED ME TO MY OWN FLOOR WITH SOME, SORT OF, BIZARRE HORNY STRENGTH AND SOMEHOW OVERPOWERED ME AND ATE MY MOUTH. WHAT THE FUCK, GUILLERMO?  _

_ You can't stomach the smallest taste of your own medicine.  _

_ DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW SCARY YOU CAN BE? EVEN LAST NIGHT, YOU WERE HOLDING TWO STAKES TO MY HEART AFTER THREATENING TO MURDER MY FRIENDS AND SCREAMING THAT YOUR DEEPEST DESIRE WAS TO FUCKING KILL ME. DID I SOMEHOW MISREAD THAT, GUILLERMO? _

_ Fucking Lasz-- _

_ \----- _

_ DON’T SAY HIS NAME. _

_ How did you…? Fine, that asshole you fucked after you insulted and rejected me, despite knowing my feelings, made me do it.  _

_ WE WENT OVER THIS. YOU WERE STILL A FAMILIAR. OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO REDO THE ARGUMENT FROM LAST NIGHT? WE DO HAVE LUBE HERE. I BET I CAN GET YOU TO CALL ME “MASTER” AGAIN. _

_ Or I could murder all of you in your sleep by leaving the curtain open.  _

_...POINT TAKEN. WAIT. WHY DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU? _

_ Because I--I don't know, wasn't worth the trouble.  _

_ YOU ARE WORTH AN INFINITE AMOUNT OF TROUBLE. I WOULD NEVER KILL YOU.  _

_ Why not? _

_ BECAUSE YOU--YOU ARE MY GUILLERMO. _

_ That's a nothing answer. _

_ IT IS AN EVERYTHING ANSWER!!! _

_ \----- _

They made it to Louisiana. Guillermo was not impressed.

The large wooden building perched on the edge of a swamp with the faded lettering that said “Ms. Adelaide’s” was definitely not a human bar. Everyone standing in line around them had something off about them. Guillermo guessed that they were all witches, vampires, necromancers, or fuck, wizards? He hadn’t seen a wizard yet. 

They finally got to the front of the line. Nadja and Laszlo showed their teeth to the gigantic bouncer and were invited in with no questions. Nandor showed his teeth and then indicated Guillermo, saying “And a familiar,” in his old voice. Guillermo glanced at him coldly even though he saw the favor being asked through his facial expression.  _ You’re already on thin fucking ice, you’re taking me to a shithole, and now you’re acting like I’m your familiar again?  _

The bouncer invited them inside, but Nandor stopped when Colin Robinson was barred entry. “Can you read? Sign says no E-vamps.” Sure enough, the bouncer pointed at a sign hanging on a wooden porch post that clearly said “NO E-VAMPS, NO E-XCEPTIONS” in bold red lettering.

“Oh. Well guys, I guess we just have to leave then… Sorry, Guillermo.”

Nandor grimaced apologetically, pulling Guillermo inside without Colin Robinson. Guillermo flashed a smug grin at Colin Robinson before the door closed.

\-----

“Sorry about the familiar thing, I would prefer to avoid explaining our whole deal to strange bouncers.”

Guillermo didn’t even register what Nandor said. The inside of the bar was much larger than the outside. Candles on every available surface lent a deeply mysterious ambiance to the dim space. Everything was made of dark wood, purple leather, or wrought iron. Ivy spilled over the top of the bar, which was a good distance away past many tables with all kinds of well-dressed people whispering. For a moment, Guillermo felt extremely out of place in his multi-colored turtleneck and trousers, but he looked down and saw that he was wearing an all black three piece suit, silver detailing on the vest. He didn’t care if the clothes were an illusion. Guillermo was in total awe. It was beautiful, classy, so glamorous...

“So I take it you like it?” Nandor asked playfully. “Y-yeah…” Guillermo mumbled back.  _ Wow.  _

Nandor looked fucking incredible. His hair was completely down and looked like it had been freshly blow dried. The gold thread on his matching black vest and cape seemed to shine especially bright. His eyes were… his eyes were always beautiful. Guillermo realized his mouth was open and quickly shut it. Nandor noticed and smiled. Nobody had ever taken Guillermo to a place like this. 

“Adelaide!!!” Nadja shrieked. She was wearing a similarly revealing dress as the orgy, but with ruby red sequining.

A beautiful black woman wearing shiny gold lipstick glided over to them. She was unmistakably the head witch. Her dark purple floor length dress and hat were both veined with intricate embroidery; the thread a gradient of peacock blues and greens. Her long, thick dreadlocks framed her cleavage very well and were colored to match the embroidery.  _ That’s a lot of commitment,  _ Guillermo initially thought, but then remembered that with illusions it probably wasn’t.

“Nadja!!!” she said just as enthusiastically, “Has it really been more than seventy years? Is your sense of lighting still terrible?” she needled her in a Creole accent, hugging her tight.

“You know you’re jealous because you always came second,” Nadja winked, “...Are you over Lee Miller yet, darling? There is always room in my little black heart for you, my favorite enemy,” Nadja said playfully, her hands on Adelaide’s wide hips. Adelaide howled and called her a flirt before scoffing at Laszlo’s offended face.  _ Frenemies with benefits?  _

She took Nadja by the hand and led all of them to a corner booth. Guillermo sat between Nadja and Nandor, maybe not minding his proximity so much. Adelaide stood at the front of the table and asked, “So this is your slayer, then?” gesturing at Guillermo, “He’s real cute. Petit bonbon savoureux.”

Guillermo smiled, enjoying the harmless flirtation, and replied, “Merci, Madame Adelaide. Je m'appelle Guillermo,” drawing on years of French classes from school. It had still been a while. Nandor looked at him in total shock and sputtered, “You can speak witch?” making Guillermo chuckle. He shrugged and smiled at Nandor from under his curls, “Yeah.” Nandor’s look of total amazement was to die for.

Adelaide smiled warmly at Guillermo, clearly surprised. “Veuillez pardonner ma curiosité, mais pourquoi s'excuse-t-il?”

Guillermo tried to think of how to phrase it. He was better at understanding than speaking. “Il m'a presque donné un mort…” 

Adelaide furrowed her shaped brows and pushed her gold lips out like a duck. “...Il s'excuse de vous avoir donné une petit mort?”

Guillermo realized his mistake but rolled with the innuendo, saying, “Si seulement…” plaintively, looking up at Adelaide and slumping his shoulders pathetically.

She held her hands to her chest and exclaimed, “Mon pauvre!” clicking her teeth in sympathy.

All three of the vampire’s mouths were open in dumb shock. Adelaide grinned and said, “Welcome, Guillermo the Slayer. It is a pleasure and quite the novelty.” 

Adelaide called for her own familiar, who appeared with small metallic scissors. “We’ll only need a lock of Guillermo’s hair.” The familiar made a snip near Guillermo’s temple. Nandor whispered sadly, “That was one of my favorite pieces…” prompting Nadja to reassure him that it would grow back. Adelaide looked at Guillermo with a questioning expression, as if to say “really, him?”, which Guillermo responded with, “...Il a une énorme bite.” Adelaide laughed hard.

“What a treasure you have,” she said, her eyes crinkling at both of them. Nandor beamed, “Yes, I know! Thank you for your noticing.” Adelaide laughed again harder and had to finally catch her breath to say, “Come now,” curling her hands to summon Laszlo and Nandor from the table.

\-----

Nadja talked to Guillermo like he was an actual human being. It was fun, gossiping with Nadja, learning more about her complicated history with Adelaide, their shared love of photography, and how Ansel Adams had stolen much of Nadja's work. 

It was getting to be a long conversation. Guillermo felt a twinge of concern. “...Sorry to interrupt, but… are they okay? What are they doing?” He tried to keep his voice steady even though his mind immediately went to the worst possible answer.  _ Jerking each other off to give the witches semen…  _

“Adelaide and her coven are not basic bayou bitches. They’re taking their blood,” she explained, rolling the sleeve up on her forearm to demonstrate, “Knowing Nandor, it’s going to take a while.”  _ Because he has a lot of blood?  _ Guillermo wasn’t really sure what to make of that comment but was enormously relieved and flattered. There was a poetry to it, a vampire giving his blood to apologize to him… Nobody had ever tried this hard to apologize to him for anything. But nobody had hurt him as badly, either... And other than sitting in a classy restaurant and admiring (and shit-talking) beautiful people with Nadja, nothing else had really happened yet.  _ Strong start, at least. _

There was a marked silence. “Nadja, why do you stay with Laszlo?” Guillermo looked at the table cloth, “How do you… really know they’re giving blood?” he asked, coating the question with subtext. 

“That is a good question,” her eyes were heavy, “We’ve both hurt each other many times… Many many many times. I suppose it's the love. Sometimes I hate him so much, but at the end of it I can’t fathom finding someone else that I love so much either. My Laszlo is forever,” she smiled softly, holding her wedding ring between her thumb and forefinger.

“All of that is to say that when he does fuck up, he has to work to come back to my heart,” she held up a stern finger, “It’s all about the groveling. Do not forget that, little slayer.” Guillermo nodded, bemused at the pet name. 

“How did you forgive Nandor?” he asked. To his surprise, Nadja laughed. 

“Oh Nandor… I adore him, I do, but he thinks that he is the big dog of the house. Really he is a neglected puppy,” she shook her head with pity, “And I know what Laszlo is like, the easy charm. He is hard to resist. So no, I did not blame Nandor in that at all.” Guillermo immediately resonated with the truth of what she was saying. How cloying and needy Nandor could be. Trying to seduce him and then cuddle after their… everything in the woods. It had felt so manipulative. 

Nadja saw his look and asked conspiratorially, “Do you want a little test for him?”

“What kind of test?”

“That time at the hospital, Nandor got all runny for you and blurted out that you were his friend. It was hilarious, you should have been there,” she laughed shrilly.  _ I… was there... _ “He was so embarrassed that he mindwiped you immediately after he let it slip.”

_Lying bastard._ A flare of anger went off in Guillermo’s mind when he remembered asking Nandor on the drive home from abandoning Benjy if he had ever erased his memory. Nandor had said, “When would I ever need to do that? You are a much better familiar than Benjy...” and stroked his hair, the combination of which Guillermo had taken as a reassuring no. _God damn it._ Guillermo chewed the inside of his mouth and settled again, reassuring himself that at least it was minor. At most, Nandor had erased a single word.

“That’s--that’s actually perfect. Thank you, Nadja.”

She smiled warmly. “I hope for both of you that he is honest about it. You are quite a cute couple, even when you are mad at him. I hate when Laszlo says that about me but now I totally get it,” she rolled her eyes and shook her head with a light chuckle. 

A waiter appeared with a dish of food and a glass of wine for Guillermo. 

“Ah, there’s my Laszlo!” Nadja said brightly, abruptly leaving Guillermo to his meal to join Laszlo at the bar with Adelaide. Guillermo considered waiting for Nandor before finishing his food, but didn’t want it to get cold. He took a bite and was floored by how delicious it was, closing his eyes to savor it. There was a little pile of potatoes and carrots that were the perfect complement. He took a sip of wine and reflexively whispered, “Fuck, that’s good…” a little embarrassed at the profanity in such a nice restaurant. 

Nandor stumbled out from behind the bar when Guillermo had finished his glass of wine and started another. He was holding a large gift box covered in blue wrapping paper with gold stars, a big gold bow on top. Guillermo perked up when Nandor poured himself into the booth, sidling up next to him and placing the box on the table. The wine and delicious food put him in a very good mood.

“Guillermooo… I am back,” Nandor slurred with a huge dopey grin, his head slumping against Guillermo’s shoulder. Guillermo chuckled and said, “Yes, hello Nandor,” pushing Nandor’s hair behind his ear so he could see his eyes. He could kiss him, he knew. It was dark and he cared less and less. And Nandor looked so beautiful and had actually done something so nice… It was all so nice. 

“Open eet,” Nandor beseeched, pointing a floppy arm at the box. Guillermo's place setting had disappeared at some point. He grabbed the box, untying the golden bow and putting it around Nandor’s neck loosely. “Am I pretty?” Nandor asked.  _ Always,  _ Guillermo thought, petting his head and whispering yes. He opened the box and saw a folded trench coat, inky black with a subtle scaly texture. When he lifted the trench coat out of the box, he saw a matching bandolier underneath it. 

“Nandor, what is this? I love it…” Guillermo admired the new trench coat in the moody candlelight, imagining himself wearing it. He couldn’t wait to try it on. 

“Gargle skin. Very very veryyy tough stuff. To protect you,” Nandor said, his forehead on Guillermo’s shoulder and a hand on Guillermo’s chest.  _ Gargle? ...Gargoyle?  _ That was another new one, to Guillermo. He placed it back in the box carefully.

“Thereismore,” Nandor said, slurred as one word. He sat up and pulled out a smaller, flatter box from his cape, handing it gingerly to Guillermo and then leaning back. Wedging his fingers into the edges, Guillermo pried it open carefully, revealing a beautiful silver crucifix. It did not escape Guillermo that Nandor was replacing what he had ruined in the woods. 

“I know you purchased one at the barrel shop but now, now you will have a spare...” Nandor pulled out yellow rubber kitchen gloves and tried to put them on his hands but couldn’t quite get it. Guillermo tugged them down, making sure his fingers lined up. “Thank you. Could you…?” Nandor motioned to Guillermo to turn around. Facing the curved purple booth, the crucifix landed softly above his black shirt and he could hear Nandor fumbling with the latch behind him.  _ It really was all about the grovelling.  _ Guillermo felt like he was glowing. Somehow, Nandor got the latch to connect. Guillermo tucked the crucifix under his shirt and he imagined, above his heart. 

“You’re a charmer you know…” Nandor said, peeling the gloves off and throwing them on the table, a hand guiding Guillermo back to face him again, “Adelaide threw in a third for free.” Nandor pulled out a small black box.

_ Oh shit.  _ Guillermo froze. He wasn’t drunk enough to not register the significance of a ring box.  _ Oh God. Please, do not, do not, do not ask me to marry you,  _ he thought in a dull but rising panic.  _ Can I just… slide under the table…?  _ It was definitely too late. Nandor popped the box open and pulled out a golden ring with a stripe of white down the middle. “When you wear it and when you twist it, it will shine for you,” he said, demonstrating the motion in the air. “Could I have your hand?” 

Guillermo hesitated, confusion clouding his thoughts. His mouth was open dumbly as he looked at Nandor, and then at the ring, and then at his own hands. Cautiously, slowly, Guillermo’s left hand hovered between them, inching closer to Nandor as Guillermo met his gaze. Nandor took it, kissing the back of it, maintaining scorching eye contact with Guillermo who felt a blush building. Then Nandor pushed his sleeve up and dragged soft kisses down his palm to his wrist scars, rubbing Guillermo’s hand softly as he did.  _ What was happening…? _

Guillermo giggled. “What is up with you?”

Nandor whispered against his wrist, “I may be a leetle deleterious from the drugs…”

A sliver of panic shot through Guillermo. “We’re on drugs?” he asked, trying to not to raise his voice, his eyes wide.

“Nooo, just meee. Needles give me the creepy jeepies veryyy badly. You are just a lightweight,” Nandor chuckled to himself and kept rubbing his hand. “What was I doing? Oh right,” he slowly slid the ring on Guillermo’s ring finger.

\-----

Time stopped.

“Oh… Um...”

_ Fuck. What do I say? I can’t say yes… Shit.  _

Guillermo decided not to say anything and took the ring off. Nandor’s expression deflated and he slumped into himself, muttering, “You do not like it I see...” 

“It’s just… this way, I can wear my holy knuckles on top,” Guillermo reassured him, putting the ring on his thumb instead, which somehow fit just as perfectly as his ring finger. The light returned to Nandor’s face.

“A good strategy...” Nandor drawled, taking Guillermo’s hand yet again and lightly kissing his knuckles one by one, “I should mention one more thing. Each of these items is enchanted so that no one can take them from you. Not even me.”

Nandor looked up at Guillermo, who was completely paralyzed with overwhelming emotion. All of this was perfect. Nandor’s eyes were filled with warmth, affection, contrition.

“I am sorry, Guillermo. This is my apology.” 

\----- 

Guillermo sipped his second glass of wine with Nandor lightly sleeping against his shoulder, their hands intertwined under the table. He knew they would have to leave, but he wanted to savor this. Breathing deeply, he let his head rest against Nandor’s and idly watched the other people in the restaurant. 

After a time, he started to fall asleep himself. He nudged Nandor and whispered, “It’s probably time to go.” 

As soon as they stepped through the doorway, their original clothing returned. Guillermo helped Nandor find a meal outside in the parking lot, essentially drunk carrying him and “accidentally” having him fall on top of a random man. Nandor drank as Guillermo watched, clutching his gift in the harsh white light of the streetlamp. Guillermo thought about kissing Nandor's bloody mouth… maybe feeding with him someday... 

They got to the van and realized that neither of them had the keys.

“Can you break into and hotmail a car?”

“I can try…” Guillermo was wrenching at the door handle futilely. They both screamed when Colin Robinson sat up in the back seat. 

Colin Robinson opened the door and said, “Nice of you guys to finally join me.”

\-----

Nandor had fully recovered after his meal and drove, with Guillermo doing his level-best to navigate. Colin Robinson sat in the back middle seat, Guillermo trying to avoid catching his horrendous reflection. He started to drone on but Nandor interrupted him.

“Please, please be silent, Colin Robinson. I am begging you not to ruin this evening.”

“I wouldn’t… dream of it,” the energy vampire said, putting an unsettling emphasis on the word “dream”. Guillermo didn’t think much of it, was concentrating much more on not getting carsick. 

He groaned softly when he realized Colin Robinson was talking again. “You guys could have at least told me ahead of time that I couldn’t come. Pretty slim pickings. At least you got to enjoy the illusions, Guillermo.”

“The clothes... yeah...” Guillermo said, his eyes closing. 

“Right. The clothes,” Colin Robinson stated menacingly. Guillermo frowned. “You get that Ms. Adelaide’s isn’t real, don't you?” 

“What…?” he said, his voice shaking.  _ What the hell did that mean?  _ Guillermo was suddenly completely sober and very hungry. 

Colin Robinson helpfully explained, “You saw it. It’s an abandoned bar next to a swamp. You sat on old, decaying wood and ate dust in the dark for hours,” Colin Robinson continued talking over Nandor’s vociferous objections, “The magic just makes you see what you want to see. Hear what you want to hear, taste what you want to taste... Feel what you want to feel.”

Guillermo’s soul shattered. A profoundly cold sinking feeling took over his body as he contemplated the possibility that none of that had actually happened. That nothing Nandor had said or done in the restaurant was real. Or even if it was, if he was cheating, the magic reading his mind somehow… Guillermo didn’t want to look at his left hand. If he did, and the ring wasn’t there, he knew that he would kill Nandor.  __

“Don’t listen to him, Colin Robinson is being an asshole because we excluded him. It’s not like that, all creepy crawly. It’s a regular boring bar, the witchy magic just fills in the details for you, to be exactly what you want. Most people wait months for a reservation!” Nandor explained. It didn’t make Guillermo feel much better.  _ I.. don’t know if I can believe you... _

“Maybe. You should probably still check your clothes for black widows.” 

Guillermo shrieked, “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and panicked, brushing at his turtleneck and his trousers frantically in the dark.

"You don't need to do that Guillermo, he is fucking with you. Which, seriously Colin Robinson, cut it out!" 

Guillermo wanted to believe Nandor so bad. He wanted to believe that Colin Robinson was probably lying. Nonetheless, he couldn’t shake the feeling that a black widow could be crawling just next to him out of sight, waiting to tip-toe up his pant leg. That he had spent the last few hours hallucinating the best night of his life… 

“This is some real Twilight Zone shit... What the fuck...” 

_The clothes had felt so real. At least that illusion was obvious… But what was real and what wasn’t?_ Did he imagine Nandor’s kisses? How did he feel drunk? ...Did he actually eat fucking dust? He dry-heaved in revulsion and felt nauseous on an empty stomach, too many questions in his mind. Nandor’s hand rubbed circles on his back.

Guillermo clutched his stomach. “...Was any of it real? Or was all of that just another fucking lie?” he spat at Nandor, feeling like a gutshot animal, holding back tears. 

“Everything I did for you was real. Look, you are wearing the ring. You are wearing the crucifix. The box with the trenchcoat is at your feet. Remember how I kissed your hands? And I had ugly yellow gloves, said you were a charmer..." Nandor gently reassured him, correctly listing other details of the evening. Guillermo rubbed the ring around his left thumb. It was there. It glowed softly.  _ Okay. Okay… The important things were real…  _ He took a deep, calming breath, clutching to the glow of the ring like a life preserver.

“Okay. That’s--that’s good. I’m so glad… It’s just… how do I know you weren’t reading my mind? Or the magic I guess, however it works...”

“You don’t,” Colin Robinson commented.

"Fucking…!” Nandor whipped around to snarl at Colin Robinson. He turned back to keep driving and sighed, “...Why can’t you just let yourself enjoy things, Guillermo?” Nandor’s hand stroked his hair. If Guillermo had any doubt about this being the real Nandor, if he was still reading his mind, or whether they had ever left Adelaide’s at all, this completely tactless remark dissolved it.

“Because they’re based on lies!” Guillermo yelled. 

“Illusions aren’t lies! They’re nicer versions of reality!”

Guillermo mashed his palm into his forehead, “That’s what lies are! Jesus fucking Christ...” 

Nandor retracted his hand from Guillermo's hair and winced, but didn’t snap at him. 

"Lies can be mean too. Like… I don’t know..." Nandor spoke very slowly, stretching out each word, "you could imagine… for example… me… saying something to you… such as…” 

_ Get to the point. _

“...I don't love you."

This was one of his cruelest deflections. Guillermo couldn't look at him, wanted to punch him. He had been looking forward to the moment Nandor finally returned his words, had wanted it to be special, but instead he used them here, now, in some feeble backwards way, to get out of another argument.

"...Guillermo…?" Nandor finally had the nerve to venture after a tense silence.

Guillermo's empty or possibly dust filled stomach gurgled. He held his head in his hands. 

“Get me some actual fucking food.”

\-----

Nandor floored it through the backwoods road they were on and desperately looked for anything that was open at 3 AM. They blew past a drive-thru restaurant nearly buried in the woods and Nandor turned the van around so sharply that it went up on two wheels. Guillermo explained that they didn’t have to be invited in, they could just drive up and order. Nandor seemed to understand.

“Okay, what do you want?” he asked Guillermo, squinting at the board with faded pictures of Southern food. 

“I really couldn’t care less, surprise me.” 

Nandor unbuckled his seatbelt, leaned halfway out of the window, and spoke to the speaker, “Hello, my name is--” 

Colin Robinson suggested speaking up, that they may not be able to hear him.

“Hello!!! My name is Nandor the Relentless!!! I would like to purchase one of each item from your picture board!!!” 

Guillermo yanked him back into the car by his cape and yelled over him, “My friend is joking! Don’t actually do that! He has a normal name!” He hissed at Nandor to stop screaming and snarled at Colin Robinson, who didn’t even attempt to hide that he was feeding from them.

Nandor looked at him incredulously. “You said you were really hungry and didn’t care, so I am edging my bets!” 

“I don’t want the entire restaurant!”

“Also my name is totally normal! Very rude thing to say! When have I ever made fun of your--”

They continued yelling at each other as Colin Robinson kept feeding from them. Finally, a timid voice echoed from the speaker.

“Uhhh… what do y’all... want…?” 

Guillermo groaned, unbuckled his seat belt, and climbed over Nandor, shoving Nandor's head away from the window and leaning out. “Hi yes, I just want a uh…” he picked a random number, “...a number three. Thanks. Sorry about all that.” Guillermo realized his compromising position as Nandor slowly stroked his ass. It was the absolute dumbest fucking thing that Nandor could do. 

“So just to confirm, you want the number three? Nothing else?” the staticky voice responded.

Nandor whispered, “You know if you want me to spank you, you can just ask instead of contriving these situations,” giving Guillermo’s ass a squeeze. Guillermo turned bright red, irritated and annoyingly aroused at the same time.

“Yes, yep, that’s it,” Guillermo said in a strained voice.

Nandor gave his ass a light smack. He had to bite back a gasp. “I knew you would like that…” he chuckled, rubbing it again. 

“Would you like to throw in an extra order of hush puppies with our special right now?”

Nandor spanked him again harder. It was working.  _ You motherfu-- _

“NO THAT’S IT THANKS!” 

Guillermo shifted backwards, bringing his knee dangerously close to Nandor’s balls. “Watch out, I might like that too," Nandor taunted. Settling his legs on either side of Nandor's thighs, Guillermo wrapped his hands in Nandor's hair and pulled hard, bringing his face close and staring into his fiery eyes with his own. Nandor didn’t need illusions to be gorgeous… Guillermo felt a strange swell of relief at Nandor being so impulsive and so bad at reading situations. There was no question that this was real... 

Nandor cocked an interested eyebrow at him, daring him. Guillermo pushed him back against the seat with his full weight as he pulled the chair handle, landing on top of him as they descended sharply. Guillermo kissed Nandor brutally, biting at him, wrenching at his hair with both hands, drawing delighted moans from him. Nandor's arms were around Guillermo, pulling him closer, grabbing his ass again, and then pushed him back against the steering wheel, never breaking the kiss, Guillermo’s legs wrapped around him, the honking blaring out across the desolate night.

"...Could you two please stop..? Your food is ready..." 

\----- 

They parked out front, sitting at a round plastic table under a flickering light. Guillermo tried to focus on Nandor rather than the intensely bleak landscape they were surrounded by. And also Colin Robinson. 

“I’m sorry this isn’t like Adelaide’s,” Nandor said, grimacing at the cracked plastic table top, buzzing insects assaulting the flickering bulb, and swamp smell. He placed an apologetic hand on Guillermo’s thigh and then plopped the bag of food on the table with a sigh.

“That’s okay,” Guillermo said, placing his hand on top of Nandor’s, “At least I know it’s real. Nobody would ever fake something this awful…” he lifted his brows and smiled wryly. The bulb crackled and died. Guillermo laughed at the timing. He twisted his ring and encapsulated them in what felt like a bubble of warm light. Nandor looked inside the bag of food, wet with grease on the bottom, shaking it for some reason. 

Finally, Nandor stuck his hand into the bag and said, “I know you are hungry. Here are your beans, enjoy them,” grabbing a large handful of definitely real fried green beans and bringing them to Guillermo’s mouth.

“...Beans?” Guillermo looked at Nandor’s handful of green beans with a disgusted grimace. “I don’t like green beans.”

“FUCK!!!” Nandor screamed, crushing them in his hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to chels for beta'ing the ether conversations and sinaesthete for their indispensable knowledge of French! And to the rest of the Nandermo discord for enabling me with their dark influence. ;)
> 
> "Heaven and Hell" is a great song by Black Sabbath.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
